yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
