I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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