just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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