I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
