Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
