When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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