My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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