They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
