the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
