Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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