I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
