VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
