I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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