He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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