Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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