there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
