somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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