No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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