Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
