cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
