i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
