brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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