I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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