I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
