hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
