my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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