Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
