Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
