Four minutes until I can fart!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
