broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
