i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
