Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
