I think my vagina is haunted
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
