The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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