took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
