It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
