Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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