Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Did I show you my penis last night?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
