Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
