I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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