I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
