Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
