The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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