she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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