dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Randomize
