This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
