Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
