If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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