Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
