its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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