he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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