I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wear drunk well.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
