I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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