A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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