Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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