I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
