found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
