I CAN MOONWALK!
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Boobs speak an international language.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
