I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
